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Costume Tips for Basic Witches





- satire

Costume Tips for Basic Witches

avoid the horrors of #HalloweenSzn

Jennifer Gittess


Disclaimer: If you’re reading this, it’s too late to be a cat.

Nothing says Halloween is coming like the smell of pumpkin spiced lattes, pumpkin spiced muffins, pumpkin spiced midterms, and a lack of “hot but original” costume ideas. Last week, I took a good look around my living room and stared in awe at the transformation from Boho chic to Halloween shriek. I realized that I should probably think of a costume idea for #Halloweenszn so that my friends aren’t disappointed when I show up in my typical jeans and booties for a night out.

On a college student budget, another American Apparel cheetah leotard simply isn’t going to cut it. And unless I want to pull the classic Meangirls reference to Cady Heron's bloody "ex-wife," I’m not stepping foot in Ahhs. I thought October stressors would fade after midterms, but word in the wood is that the terror of finding a Halloween costume is haunting basic bitches. Of course, if you’re anything like me, Halloween is tomorrow and you’re costume-less. Don’t fret basic witches, angels, devils, and kitties, I’m here to save you.

If seeing a ghost would be less scary than seeing your friends in an ugly costume, this section's for you. Group or pair costumes are always a good idea for the basic witch who doesn't want to be judged. It’s pretty simple—if someone hates your outfit, you can blame it on your friend and they can blame it on you. You can also do this with your boyfriend or girlfriend (or person you've been hooking up with since freshman year that still won't label your relationship). Ah, I can almost smell the tension in the air—not even a scent that frat houses can match. You can use a compound word or a pun for some inspiration (booty call anyone?)

For the basic witch who “doesn’t care what people think,” you get the best costume of all. A Halloweiner. That’s right, a hot dog. Not only are you “different” because you’re not a typical hamburger, but you’ll also receive even more of the attention that you really don’t want. I guarantee you’ll be a hallowinner.

For the real witches who want to be scary, this one is key. According to the Tanning Boutique in Westwood (I’m sure you’ve been there one, two, or twenty times before), pale is the scariest thing you can be this Halloween season. This is a safe bet—nothing haunts you like a bad spray tan. Ditch your San Tropez self-tanning mousse for the week and people will be shrieking at your natural tone.

For Thanksgiving, I’m just going to be thankful Halloween is over.